So, marriage is the comics topic de jour. I’ve read so many treatises on the subject this week, I almost forgot we’re getting ready to enter a skirmish we can’t hope to win or change here real soon, but that’s a topic for another blog and another day- I don’t write until I let my anger subside as a rule. Anyhow, you’re all hip, I’m sure, to the whole DC debacle about Batwoman and Maggie not being permitted to walk down the aisle by the powers that be at the WB. I’ve gone on enough about that, myself. A lot of others are still at it, going in all directions imaginable. The conversation I’m most compelled with is marriage in comics in general, and the notion of comic companies being anti-marriage to begin with. I say it’s a 50/50 split between them and fans. I don’t think the latter are too crazy about it either. A lot of for-instances have been spouted this week. Pete and MJ, Clark and Lois, Ralph and Sue, and Carter and Shayera to name a few. My opinion on these? Spider Man and a hot model wife who entered a marriage knowing her man loved a corpse more than her didn’t do it for me. Peter is the ultimate martyr; has been from day one. This good fortune foiled the deal. There was chemistry (that word is important here) for sure, but it ultimately pigeon-holed him; couple that with outing himself as a vigilante wall-crawler in Civil War, and a re-canonizing had to happen (it took a moronic story to get there, to be certain). Superman and wife were pretty much the gold standard. 50 years of dating leads to a well-informed choice, for sure. Mr. and Mrs. Elongated Man were the pick of the litter for me personally. Chemistry, compatibility, and shared ambition- the works. The Hawk-couple were together from the get-go, even before they were born, in fact. What do all of these have in common? They’ve all gone away- every last one of them. That’s just DC, but that’s who we’re obsessing on this week, so let’s stick with it. As earlier said, I don’t think fans necessarily dig it- as an add-on, anyway. Characters who are connected from day one seem to hold up better in the court of fandom opinion, but apparently not in the minds of comic publishers. Here’s my theory on their end- if it’s not good on TV, then why would it be in comics? We always get lumped in as a demographic with other media. It’s assumed we want things that TV watchers, movie goers, magazine readers, and all matter of media junkies do. Plus, they want those teeny-boppers who obviously wouldn’t want that ESPECIALLY if they were raised on the boob-tube. Publishers try to insert the ethos into our fare because the idea that intellectuals love good stories and art is not something that’s made it to the boardroom. What happens when that POV prevails? Disaster.
Let’s look at TV marriage. The common view is this- dumbass who can’t tie his shoes marries a castrating bitch who has to tie them for him. It’s been going strong for twenty years or so. Everybody Loves Raymond (my guilty pleasure, won’t lie), King of Queens and such CBS fare became a standard setting formula. Notice how many commercials are some slack-jawed moron trying to navigate around a kitchen while some shrew rolls her eyes? The one with the fat guy trying to yank a ham out of the fridge to ostensibly eat the whole thing while the harpy on the couch screeches “What are you doing in there??” and re-directing him to the fat-free yogurt makes ME want to outlaw the very institution as a pre-emptive measure. This has become the model. Dangerous, because this is what kids believe, and grow to ape, like the folks in the Fifties who believed that vacuuming in pearls and such were what was going on in other houses. Let’s look at one of TV’s absolute biggest success stories in years: Modern Family.
Three couples in the same brood, each with their own dynamic. Claire and Phil, relatively dumb overgrown man-child with controlling bitch, and children who all somehow speak really quickly and cleverly. Yes, there’s some romantic tension, but it’s often outweighed with the dynamic of the establishment. Gloria and Jay, a sex-bomb married to a wealthy older man, with some heat thrown in to make it non-sinister. Then, there’s Cam and Mitchell, the ‘modern’ of Modern Family. Accolades abound. Cheers from the peanut gallery, and awards from GLAAD and the ‘community’. Yes, they are a comical delight with their child who, like the rest, muses like a tiny adult. However, the schism between them and their family is obvious. There is no way these two people are having sex. Not at all. They are basically two non-conventionally attractive (unlike the others, mostly) men who are basically flitting little housemates who bought themselves a kid. The only evidence that either have functional gonads is the occasional presence of a hot young guy and their competition for attention from the object. They scarcely, if at all, even kiss. Obviously, this is non-threatening enough for a lot of heterosexuals to decide the whole thing is ok, as long as they don’t have to picture anal sex in their heads. Tie it together, and you’ve got America’s view of a modern family (in case you’ve not seen it, there’s a narrative by a father figure at the end about the beauty of family that weaves the plots together via montage, a 5 second gag, then a horrible thing called “Suburgatory” comes on and you want to set yourself on fire- don’t forget- ABC on Wednesday night). Those are sitcoms, and there are dramas where everyone cries, talks about their feelings, and drinks mondo wine. These have some marriages that stay in tact, but that’s rare. Try to name a Hollywood blockbuster in recent years with a positive take on marriage, just try. When it’s done, it’s either ‘it’s hell, but it has it’s moments’, or an inane family-movie itself. Personally, the only couple in TV/movie history that pegged it for me and made it look desirable was The Addams Family- undeniable mutual attraction that empowered it’s parties and demonstrated an us-against-the-world comfort zone anyone would dream of having. But, the mundane hellish image is what has captured the media and the imagination. This is what number crunchers think we want, breathe, and believe. The pickle they’re in is that they don’t understand the wants of action fans to begin with, and how could they shoehorn in a concept as such. Add to that the fact that most action movie heroes are too cool for matrimony. This is also what indoctrinates us and our beloved medium. That’s why the topic is generally nullified altogether.
As I said earlier, in the court of comic reader opinion, they stand up when the preacher says “…forever hold your peace”. The escalation in sales for Spidey’s “Brand New Day” is reflective of the statement. What do you do to bring marriage into the equation and make it work? I look at great married couples I know. They have ups-and-downs to be sure. They have scary blow ups sometimes that make the neighbors nervous and wonder if they should call close friends and advise them of potentially good real estate coming available. That said, the ones who succeed have chemistry. True chemistry, not the cleverly written fantasy of pop-fiction. This element is visible, and almost tangible. It’s a shared experience. There’s subtle affection; pats on the leg, rubs on the back or shoulder, knowing glances, and the like. It’s also obvious to anyone who has ever had it that these people have sex with each other often and they LIKE it. A number of them have a comfort level where one or both of them can comment on the attractiveness of outsiders and pose no threat. Chemistry is multi-faceted and fascinating. I said earlier that Ralph and Sue Dibney were the closest the genre ever came to demonstrating this. Not all the way, but damn close. I’ve even fantasized about a Detective-style book with them that makes this apparent, and drives the two and their mission to solve mysteries as a team. This logic never gets a fair trial, due to the nervous nature of today’s publisher. They are so afraid of risk, they end up doing stuff that’s even riskier (and often wretched) trying to figure out us strange creatures that dig ass-kickers in tights. Further still, how they feel about a gay marriage in a titular character when the only example they have is a prissy fat man and a nervous nelly lawyer probably drives them to breathe into a paper sack, when they have to fit it into a world of bulging biceps and amazing breasts.
I hope the day comes when someone finally figures out that comics do not necessarily equate into the popular media lexicon and they decide to free us of it’s trappings. I would love to see some characters in love showing us something we might actually want to have. Until then, I’d say spandex and boots is a great way, as in the real world, to stay single. Save the Marriages!
DON’T FOREVER HOLD YOUR PIECE- GIVE ME COMMENTS/DISCUSSION/FEEDBACK.
Saving Wonder Woman 